I've been in a funk the last few days. Yesterday, I should have been in the hospital delivering a beautiful little baby, but instead, I was at work -- my uterus empty and my heart broken. Yes, Tuesday, March 25, 2008 should have been my due date.
I had been dealing with it semi-ok up until Saturday. My family was supposed to come up for Easter, but we ended up postponing it until this coming Saturday. I was hoping that having everyone at the house would prevent me from thinking about it so much, as that was all that was on my mind for the days leading up to Tuesday. I spent most of Saturday morning and afternoon in bed crying until my husband almost dragged me out of bed to get me out of the house. So the rest of Saturday was ok, then Sunday we dyed eggs and had our own little holiday celebration.
Today I'm doing a little better, not much, but a little. I felt bad last night; I was so impatient with Jackson and snapped at him often. He wanted me to play with him but all I wanted to do was sit in the recliner, watch Dr. Phil (coincidentally about women who were tired of being moms) and feel sorry for myself.
Everyone told me that with time I'd get over having a miscarriage or that it would get easier to deal with. I have yet to experience either of those. I think I just get better at hiding how I feel about the situation.
Then I think, 'is it fair of me to be so upset?'. I was only 6 weeks along and a baby never developed -- I was pregnant without a baby. So I didn't lose a baby. I just lost a "growth". Maybe that's what's hard to swallow. How can your body make you feel pregant -- your stomach swells, you have morning sickness and cravings, yet there's no baby? I constantly wonder: would it have been a girl or a boy? What would he/she looked like?
Luckily we start counseling next week so hopefully I can work through these issues. I feel like sometimes all I do is whine about it. So for those of you who read this and who I've whined to, I'm sorry.