Feeling Funk-y

I've been in a funk the last few days. Yesterday, I should have been in the hospital delivering a beautiful little baby, but instead, I was at work -- my uterus empty and my heart broken. Yes, Tuesday, March 25, 2008 should have been my due date.

I had been dealing with it semi-ok up until Saturday. My family was supposed to come up for Easter, but we ended up postponing it until this coming Saturday. I was hoping that having everyone at the house would prevent me from thinking about it so much, as that was all that was on my mind for the days leading up to Tuesday. I spent most of Saturday morning and afternoon in bed crying until my husband almost dragged me out of bed to get me out of the house. So the rest of Saturday was ok, then Sunday we dyed eggs and had our own little holiday celebration.

Today I'm doing a little better, not much, but a little. I felt bad last night; I was so impatient with Jackson and snapped at him often. He wanted me to play with him but all I wanted to do was sit in the recliner, watch Dr. Phil (coincidentally about women who were tired of being moms) and feel sorry for myself.

Everyone told me that with time I'd get over having a miscarriage or that it would get easier to deal with. I have yet to experience either of those. I think I just get better at hiding how I feel about the situation.

Then I think, 'is it fair of me to be so upset?'. I was only 6 weeks along and a baby never developed -- I was pregnant without a baby. So I didn't lose a baby. I just lost a "growth". Maybe that's what's hard to swallow. How can your body make you feel pregant -- your stomach swells, you have morning sickness and cravings, yet there's no baby? I constantly wonder: would it have been a girl or a boy? What would he/she looked like?

Luckily we start counseling next week so hopefully I can work through these issues. I feel like sometimes all I do is whine about it. So for those of you who read this and who I've whined to, I'm sorry.

Happy Easter

I hope you all have a glorious Easter! My mom and grandparents are coming up on Saturday and we are all going to go to the egg hunt up town. This will be our first time going to the egg hunt as we are usually in my hometown for Easter and take Jackson to the one there.

Chocolate Ass

I weighed myself on Sunday and had lost 4 pounds. I weighed myself this morning and had gained 2 pounds. Gained? Gained! My dear husband, God love him, reminded me it was water weight that I had initally lost.

I've also taken up drinking Slim Fast for breakfast and lunch. Yesterday I only did breakfast as I went out for lunch with friends. Fear not, I had a grilled chicken salad, but mostly just ate the chicken because the salad had raw onions in it. Gross.

So back to the Slim Fast. As I type this I am nourishing my body with the chocolate variety. I'm imagining it is a big glass of chocolate milk or better yet a Mudslide. But it's a difficult task because the consistency is thick and it tastes like ass. It tastes like an ass that is coated in chocolate. And the smell reminds me of a combination of body odor and nursing home. Nice.

Well, here's what I'm having to eat today:
Breakfast -- Slim Fast; 220 calories
Snack -- Organic yogurt; 110 calories
Lunch -- Slim Fast; half peanut butter (no jelly) sandwich; 400 calories
Snack -- Slim Fast Bar; 120 calories
Dinner -- Pasta (pasta buffet at work function -- I will limit myself!)

I'm not sure how this Slim Fast is going to work out for me. Granted, it's chock full o' nutrients. But it's also loaded with calories. My lunch today was 400 calories. 400 calories. Really? For a half pb sandwich and a glass of ass? I could have had a Pepsi and Lean Cuisine meal for that! I may cut out my afternoon snack.

I have noticed a little bit of a difference in the way my pants fit and when I sit down, I don't have quite the bulbous bulget that I once had.

Ok, back to the chocolate ass. Maybe if I added a little vodka to it, it would taste better. Good thing I have a flask in my desk drawer.